Just Theories
by TheKittenKait
Summary: But this time nothing was just ink on the paper, wasn't it? Because he loved them, and he couldn't deny he wanted them to live for just one more fight, one mor day, one more month, one more year.


**_(A/N):  
><em>**_Well yeah that's just an idea I had in class…  
>I don't know, I just love this whole 'Lavi, are you a Bookman or an Exorcist' issue and when this idea struck my head I couldn't stop myself from writing ^^<em>

_Anyway, have fun :)_

**Disclaimer: ****Don't own Lavi, junior or his other 48 personas.**

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><p>Lavi knew that everybody thought that, because of his loud and cheering attitude, he could be annoying from time to time.<br>They told him after all.  
>Actually only Kanda told him, but he knew that everybody thought of Lavi like that. Maybe not in a bad way, though. He would see it when Allen gave his lightly annoyed smile when Lavi was to persistent again, when Lenalee thought she knew exactly what he was thinking because his face showed it, not seeing that his eyes betrayed him.<br>Of course he would see it when Yuu threatened him because Lavi had to 'shut his fucking, annoying mouth', even though Kanda knew that it was exactly how Lavi wanted him to react.

_But that was Lavi, not Junior._

Lavi was just his 49th persona, the 49th mask he wore; so different from Deak or the other 47 personas.  
>So different from Junior himself.<p>

_Wasn't he?_

Among the many different masks and personas, he had worn like old, ragged clothes that were all so different in color and form, Junior wasn't sure anymore.  
>He remembered all the 49 personas.<br>He remembered their name, their personalities.  
>Their purpose in this wretched world.<p>

_But he didn't remember himself._

When he thought of his first self, the little kid who Bookman had taken in as an apprentice, he wasn't sure if he had been really like he thought now he had been, or if he just remembered the character of one of his first personas.  
>He was scared he would forget who he really was, only to remember lies that heaped up like dirty clothes on the floor.<br>He didn't want to forget the one who had been his real self.

_Hadn't been a lie._

Sometimes he doubted that there ever had been someone like this.  
>Sometimes he wondered if the time before he had met Bookman was just another persona, one he hadn't known about.<br>He had lived in war, had seen war, and the war had ended when Bookman had found him.  
>And with the war, his 0th persona had ended.<br>With the end of the war, his name had changed to his first persona, his old self bound to be forgotten.  
>Only that Bookmen didn't forget.<p>

_That was the theory anyway._

Junior had forgotten. He forgot the humans who had been dear to him, the persons who were killed in this cruel war, the first war he had recorded.  
>So his 0th persona ended just like his other personas, with no bonds, no family and no involvement, previously because he was too young to fight - later because he was a Bookman and Bookmen didn't fight in war, they only observed.<br>Observed the stupidity of the humans, placing themselves on a throne as someone who was able to see the insanity in the war and in the humans' actions, as someone who knew better than them, because they'd seen war before and knew how it ended; knew that nobody would win in the end.  
>But they never said a thing, because they were observer and observer weren't meant to interfere.<p>

_But this time it was different._

This time he fought in the war alongside people who wanted to win this war, people who believed they could win and without noticing he found himself hoping that they would win, even though he knew that in war everybody loses and nobody wins.  
>He found himself hoping that the persons with whom he fought would survive just one more fight, one more day, one more week, one more year.<br>Hoping that the ink they formed on the paper wouldn't vanish all so soon.  
>He wanted them alive because they were dear to him; they were persons who he had longed for, even though he never had known it.<br>Lavi had found a little brother, a little sister and a best friend; that kind of persons who Junior had forgotten that they existed, and would never have.

_And he loved them._

God, he loved them so much.  
>He loved Allen for his polite and caring personality, his never filled stomach and sometimes childish streaks.<br>He loved him because despite his curse and the 14th Allen would always care about his friends and help them in every situation.

He loved Lenalee for her kindness and naivety.  
>He loved her because she had never seen the cruel side of the world, but now when the bloody war exposed itself, she tried to stay strong for the sake of her family.<p>

And he loved Kanda.  
>He loved Kanda for his grumpy and impolite attitude, the always present scowl on his face and how he reacted when Lavi called him 'Yuu-chan'.<br>But he loved him the most for that he understood. That he saw the act in Lavi's actions, because he knew how to hide the truth.

And all above he loved all of them because they would gladly jump in front of their comrades to receive the deadly blow and to save their comrades live.

But love was a sin.  
>Love was something a Bookman observed in other persons' actions, not something he felt.<br>Love was something that was forbidden, more deadly than all the other useless emotions Bookmen were bound to dispose of.  
>And this love would kill Junior because Lavi would refuse to vanish, would never cease to exist; lingering in the shadow of the following personas – the 50th, the 51th – but he would never vanish.<br>Because love made humans feel alive, and Lavi wouldn't want to be murdered from Junior when this war was over.  
>Different from the other 48 personas who were just ink on paper.<p>

_But in this war nothing was just ink on the paper, wasn't it?_

Still Junior couldn't bring himself to care.  
>He didn't care that Lavi took over his feelings and his actions, didn't care that in the moment he would jump in front of these foolish humans to protect their lives so they could live just one more day.<br>Didn't care that he wasn't able to see the difference between him and the foolish humans anymore.  
>Because when he saw Allen and Lenalee smile brightly and Kanda with just this small smile, too small to notice for the normal observer but not too small for the Bookman, he felt warmth spread through his body.<br>A warmth he had never felt before and wasn't meant to feel because he shouldn't be involved, because foolish things like emotions and love were meant to be disposed off.

_But this warmth made him feel human, a feeling he hadn't had for a long time._

And he could understand why Lavi didn't want to be murdered.  
>Feeling human felt good.<br>So Junior let Lavi take control.  
>Just one more fight, one more day, one more month, one more year.<br>Just until he had to leave, then he would have to murder him.

_But that was just the theory anyway._

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><p><strong><em>(AN):  
><em>**_Well, there's nothing much to say, so I'll just wish you a good day ^^_

**Anyway,  
><strong>Liked it? Hate it? Want to hit me with a chair?  
><strong>Let me know :)<strong>


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